When I was quiet.

"They didn't see me when I was quiet."

That's what my five-year-old said.

I picked him up from school and as usual, asked him how his day
went. I often ask him what he did during the day.

"I got my name put on the board for talking," he said.

The teachers try to be strict about maintaining discipline.
It's a good thing. Even though they can't use the paddle
anymore as they did in my day, they do the best they can with
the techniques they are allowed to use.

If your name is on the board, you can't play during recess.

You can't get on the swings, the slide, or play any of the
sports. If your name is on the board, you're grounded.

"I got my name on the board, but they didn't see me when I was
quiet so I couldn't get it off."

Remember the last speeding ticket that you got?

They didn't see you when you were going slower and traveling at
a reasonable speed. Down the hill and in a hurry and here comes
the blue lights.

They didn't see you when you were quiet!

The boss catches you just when you doze for a second (well maybe
longer than a second) after diligently working all day.

They didn't see you when you were quiet.

Your wife catches your eyes wandering as you admire the
architecture of an elegant building that just happens to have a
shapely female in front of it.

They didn't see you when you were quiet.

Why doesn't the world take into account all of the times that
you were quiet?

Why do you suffer so long for a moment's indiscretion?

How can a few minutes take an eternity to make up for?

Because of one of life's simple principles,
it's a lot easier and faster to mess up than to clean up.

Harsh words uttered in five seconds can damage a relationship
for five years.

All of us are still in school.
We still have teachers.
We still pass or fail tests.
There are still paddles in one form or another
and there is still the board.

With many of the things in our lives,
we simply need to slow down and be quiet.

That way we won't miss playtime.

I didn't write this,
I wish I had.

I stopped by work this morning for a few minutes. I work in a middle school and got there before the day began. As I was walking down the hall I heard the following announcement: "Faculty, I want you all to be thinking code red today." Well, my kids drink code red, but I knew she wasn't refering to that. There was going to be a lock down drill at some point today. This is the first such drill we have had in the three years I have been there. The faculty was scurrying around with their red notebooks reviewing what needed to be done. I cannot tell you how it saddened me to think this sort of thing is necessary. And then I thought about the upcoming elections and realized it made sense. Do you suppose our parents and grandparents felt the same way when air raid drills were started? I remember having those drills in elementary school; man am I that old? I always thought it was stupid for the boys to protect the girls. What use was a bunch of girls with no boys around? At that time I didn't realize that no one would be of use if there was an air raid. I can't wait until my son gets home from school today to find out how it went, how long it lasted and how everyone reacted.

Are you brave enough to be seen like this? 

Who are we, really? Do you see yourself as an independent being, or are you the roles you play, friend, spouse, sibling? I can't help but think that most of us are not as comfortable as we should be in our own skin. We buy into preconceived notions as to what we should look like. I will never be tall, skinny blonde. If I work really hard, I can be skinny. I can even be a blonde, although I don't really have the coloring to pull off the hair color. But there is absolutely nothing I can do to be tall. I accepted that a long time ago. I have never had the correct body type either. When I was a teenager, Twiggy was the personification of beauty. She is reminiscent of a lot of today's models and Paris Hilton has her body shape. Me? No way, busty and hippy all the way. Years ago I am sure I would have been considered good breeding stock. I accepted the fact that I would never be a tall, skinny blonde long before I accepted the fact that I have curves. Actually, I'm not sure I have ever accepted the fact that I have curves. If I had been born 120 years ago, I would be the envy of a lot of people, but it was not to be my fate. So I walk around in a body I hope no one notices...yeah right.

This past year, though, I was given a gift. It was the gift of discovering who I really am. I learned that I am more than the outward appearances. When chemo caused my hair to fall out, I walk around without a wig. I did this, not so much because I was brave as many people seemed to believe, but because I was too hot under the wig. I also felt like a liar wearing the wig. At that point in my life I was bald. It was who I was, at least on the outside.

What about the inside? Well, I was the person I thought I was. I was strong and tough. I was able to handle what was thrown my way. The one thing I did learn about myself which came as a surprise was the fact that my faith was stronger than I had believed it to be. Imagine my surprise at realizing this. Feeling calm in the face of adversity is truly a wonderful gift.

I also learned that I have affected more people that I would have thought in life’s journey. People who where on the outside of my circle came forward and offered to take me to chemo or fix meals for my family. People who weren’t really phone friends called just to see how I was doing and if I needed anything. This was really touching to me since my best friend of 11 years had moved away less than 2 months before my diagnosis. I have always been happy in my own company, but to know I had people I could call on if need be was wonderful.

Who are we? We are a sum of our experiences. Do we realize this? Probably not; getting to know ourselves is something we do not value. And that is a shame.
 

Five rules for hapiness (not my spelling!)
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he
decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all
grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey >realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step
up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just
by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . .

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.

Five rules for hapiness (not my spelling!)
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he
decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all
grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey >realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step
up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just
by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . .

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.





 

Five Rules for Happiness

Full Circle

Got milk? 

This cute, curly headed child, my youngest, has discovered classic rock. He gets a big kick out of the fact that I remember most of the songs he is discovering and will sing along to the radio. Why is it most kids think they are the ones to create whatever is considered cool at the moment? All I know is that it is a real kick to hear songs that bring back memories from college and high school, 30 some years ago!

Projects

I am the first one to admit I'm not the best housekeeper. That's why I love what I posted yesterday, I just didn't know those were the reasons for my not doing anything. Well, today I decided to attack the pantry. The shelves are (were) crowded and things were hard to see. I knew I had old food in there and probably duplicates of things I shouldn't. So I started with the easiest shelf, that is the one I didn't nead a chair to really reach the back. Took everything out, put it on the table. Had one of the boys bring me an empty laundry basket. In there I put the things I only use a few times a year: brown sugar, granulated sugar, flour, baking power, cooking oats. I threw away the things that were old, had the oldest come take that bag out. It was too heavy, so we started a new bag. Grouped things together according to category: soups, Mexican food, tomatoes, olives. I set the brand new organizer in place and proceeded to place things back in the pantry. And then I thought! Hey this isn't too bad, let me try another shelf. Did I pick a lower one, of course not. So I'm up and down the chair, someone comes in and helps me with something as I'm climbing back up onto the chair and then leaves the room. I get what I want, turn to get off the chair, and guess what!? I was surrounded by stuff on the floor; the garbage bag, the trash can, my shoes. Luckily my distress signal was answered. Of course, at this point, I was hot and tired and didn't feel like finishing, but since we needed the table for dinner, I had no choice. The spice shelf was the best. It seems that instead of really looking to make sure I have a spice, I just go out and buy more. I have enough cinnamon for years! Oh well, at least the pantry is done. The problem is that it looks so good, I now want to tackle the cabinets downstairs. Well, as Scarlett is fond of saying, "I'll do that tomorrow."

MY PHILOSOPHY On HOUSECLEANING!

I don't do windows because... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don't mind the dust bunnies because... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because... I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.

I don't put things away because... My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

Neglectful

Well, I have obviously been very neglectful lately. I planned on thoroughly document my ride through this ordeal, and find I haven't been very diligent. I have my last chemo treatment in two weeks and I am counting the days. It should have been last week, but I ran into complications so we are doing three weeks between treatments. That hasn't bothered me, I just after getting the job done. The neuropathy is back, so I am cold a lot. My legs have finally stopped hurting, so that is good. I'm still at the stage where I run out of breath quite easily. I think that is the one thing I am looking most forward to ending, it sure does take a toll on a body! My hair is starting to grow back, and weird me, I was kinda upset about that when I saw a picture of me with hair and thought: hey that doesn't look half bad. I know my husband is tired of a bald me, but the kids think it will look strange for me to have hair on my head again. I was able to go bald when it became a comfort issue. I got so hot with the wig on, even hats, that my youngest finally said it was okay for me to go "topless." Most of the kids don't understand that once you've lost your hair, you no longer have cancer, so they continually ask my son how I'm doing. A son of a friend did go home and ask his parents why I shaved my head, though.

The drug I'm on now is so much better than the first one. Sure, the physical discomfort is more, but the mind is a wonderful thing. I never can remember from one treatment to the next how painful the first few days after treatment are. All I know is that my mind is so much clearer with this stuff, which I think is wonderful.

I'm going to attempt to go bowling next week for my oldest's 15th birthday. I have no idea how successful I'll be, but I know I'll have fun!

My journey

Well, I finished my second round of chemo this last Friday. Only 6 more to go. I feel much better after this one. Hubby left the Sunday after the first one and doesn't know how I was affected. He thought yesterday was a really bad day, when in reality I had much more energy this time than last time. I was even able to work 4 hours today and didn't once feel like I was trying to swim up stream.

My hair started coming out yesterday. I'm so glad that I knew a tingly scalp meant that. The tingly feeling is a pain. I had my hair cut shorter about a week ago, so it wouldn't be a housekeeping issue when it came out. It's funny to not really care that I have all this hair in my hands. Wore my wig to school for the first time. One of the 8th graders was nice enough to tell me that all his classmates were making fun of my hair. Now, you must understand that my husband calls it my Sharon Osbourne wig. I decided early on that I was going to have as much fun with all these lemons I was given as I possible. Besides, if I'm going to care what a bunch of 8th graders think about me, then I'm working at the wrong place. I do though, care what my 7th graders friends have to say. He said no one said anything. Of course, I think they also know what is going on with me.

I just wish my kids had the courage to let me go around bald....it would be so much easier....but I guess people still feel bad when they see bald chemo heads and don't know what to do. I can certainly understand that.

This certainly seems to be an interesting road I have found myself on, and I plan on having the best time possible. Attitude is everything!

You have cancer

It’s funny how fast your life can change. Just a few words from a doctor’s mouth and suddenly you are viewed differently.

When I went for my mammogram, I thought nothing of it. Just the normal screening test I’ve been getting for years. Even when I was told I needed a sonogram, I wasn’t worried. But when it took such a long time for her to do the sonogram, I thought, “Maybe there is more to this, this time.”

A week later, my gynecologist calls and gives me a few surgeons’ names to call for an appointment. The appointment is scheduled, he looks at the films, offhandedly remarks “there are some characteristics of cancer” and suggests a biopsy.

My boss was appalled that I had to wait so long for the biopsy. Seems they only do two of that kind a day where I was going and I had a three week wait. Luckily for me, she is firm and pestered me to see her doctor. She was diagnosed two years ago. Well, I hemmed and hawed, but she was persistent. She finally just told me, “If you are interested, they can see you tomorrow. The number is…..” So, I went to her doctor, who has a wonderful bedside manner.

He was going on vacation the following week, so I had to wait until he got back for him to do the biopsy, but it was scheduled. We joked around during the biopsy, discussing the Beatles, Elvis and the Stones. He chastised me for believing it was cancer. I informed him that I always hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Besides, no one was telling me it was probably nothing to worry about. He didn’t either.

The following week I went back for the pathology results. Can you imagine telling your doctor “I told you so” when he tells you you have cancer! That is exactly what I did! There was a calmness that washed over me at that time and it has yet to desert me. With yearly mammograms, I know this has been caught early and my chances are wonderful. Now, if only I can survive everyone else knowing!

Well, against my better instincts, I let my youngest talk me into something. Yesterday we got an AOL cd in the mail. The other day he'd been chatting with a buddy who was able to do things he couldn't. Upon inquiry, he found out the stuff was available only with AOL 8. So when we got the cd he asked me to install it on the computer. I told him why I didn't want to, but you know how the charm works. So, to make a long story short, I installed it this morning. We then proceeded to go online. It didn't take long for him to say, "Sorry, Mom. You can get rid of it." That's all fine and good, but he has an older brother. So we called him in, so he could see what our objections were. Well, you know how that goes. He didn't have any trouble. Nor, when we logged off, did it update and ask about installing new software. So he's in a funk that we are taking it away from him.
But the younger, more computer saavy one just asked, "Why do so many people like AOL?" He thinks it takes to long to log off and doesn't like that it adds software without asking. Plus, he also agrees, that it is like taking a giant step backwards when using it so it hampers rather than enhances our online expeirence. Now if only I could get the other one to feel the same way!

I just spent two and a half hours trying to find a hotel room when we go to Hershey Park next month to see Alabama. What a major pain. First we needed a swimming pool. Remember when they used to be standard? Well, not any more. Then it had to be queen beds. Then I got the bright idea of a suite, so the kids could sleep in one room and the husband & I could pretend we were on a second honeymoon. That worked fine untill the youngest informed me that he would not sleep with his older brother. Oh, well, what is a mother to do? So I ended up reserving the room with the suite. I guess we will have to wait to see who sleeps with whom. The funny part is, I thought online reservations would be so much easier. Now I know differently. Although it was cheaper to do it online.

Haven't been to a concert in years. Hope I'm not disappointed with Alabama. I remember what a disappointment the Beach Boys were 20+ years ago....their voices were basically shells of what they had been. Time will tell, and so will I .

Subject: Where God wants me to be...

Next time your morning seems to be going wrong and the children are
Slow getting dressed and you can’t seem to find the car keys and you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; praise God instead because God is at work watching over you.

After Sept. 11 ... I happened to call a man on business that I didn't
Know and have not, nor will ever, talk to again. But this day, he felt like talking.

He was head of security of a company that had invited the remaining
members of a company who had been decimated by the attack on the Twin
Towers to share their office space. With his voice full of awe he told me stories of why these people were alive and their counterparts were dead .....and all the stories were just ’little’ things.

As you might know, the head of the company got in late that day
because his son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an
auto accident.

One missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.

One's car wouldn't start.

One went back to answer the telephone.

One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.

One couldn't get a taxi.

There were other stories that I hope and pray will someday be gathered and put in a book.

The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got
there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.

Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer
a ringing telephone.... all the little things that annoy me ...I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment.

May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose.

I guess I've always been a little strange. Going to the dentist has never bothered me. Neither has visiting the OB/GYN, and I consider having a colonoscopy something that needs to be done to ensure I stick around awhile longer since that cancer is the one that runs in my family. So I set off for my mammogram yesterday without a care in the world. It never dawned on me I'd be there for three hours! First the do the compressions and go show them to the radiologist. Then they come back and do a couple more. Then they call the doctor's office to get approval for sonograms. They do the sonograms. Come back and do the left one again, because they forgot to mark it. Do another one. Bring in another tech. Do it again and mention maybe bringing in the doctor so he can do it. And then for good measure, they do it one more time. All the while she is asking me about the surgery I had about five years ago, trying to figure out exactly what was removed. I don't remember...turned out to be nothing to worry about so I didn't. Well, she said they should have it in their records. Finally, as she's finishing, she says: "Oh, it's probably just a fluid filled cyst in the right one. You should get it aspirated just to make sure." Well, it didn't take rocket science to figure out they weren't really worried about that one. As for the left side she mentioned a biopsy with a mammogram and a wire, just to be sure that the site on the mammogram is the same as the site on the sonogram...it seems she wasn't confident they were one in the same. I'm so glad that life is a never ending adventure!

And why do I let the kids spend the night on someone else's house. The oldest is on the couch now because he was up untill 5 this morning! He's only 14. Isn't that a bit irresponsible on the part of the other mother? He was telling me that his friend went to bed at 10 pm, he was up because the friends younger brother was bothering him. Oh well, not much I can do about it now.

Why do I let my kids have someone over? This is someone who is friends with both of them, but they are already fighting after only three hours. Sometimes these things seem to last for days. Oh well, this too will pass. I just hope I'm still around to enjoy the peace afterwards.

I certainly will be glad when Little League season is finally and officially over. After managing all spring, my husband is now helping coach the 9-10 All Star team. Their first game is tomorrow. It should all be over by this time next week, unless of course, the team is successful, in which case they will move on from the Distrist level to the State level. I know I shouldn't hope they loose, but I do. Neither one of my kids played this year, just he husband. Oh well, I guess he's the biggest kid in the house.

Well, this is upsetting. I had a new post all ready to go and it disappeared. That is the way my day has been going anyway!

We joined a gym last week and we have gone everyday but two. I think that is really good. It's not too hard to get the boys to go, the only problem is that they don't want to stay longer than about a half hour. This is only a problem on the days I want to do the weight machines because it takes me at least 45 minutes. I'm thinking about going early in the day on the days I do weights, since they don't like going early any way, and then going with them again later in the day and doing cardio. That way, I'm doing cardio everyday, which is certainly a good thing.

It is hotter than the preverbial Hades here today. I didn't go out today untill it was time to go to the gym. It wasn't so bad on the way there, but I was so hot from working out that it wasn't too comfortable when I was done. Oh well, it certainly beats all the rain we've had lately. So far this year we are 10 inches above normal....and to think this time last year I was worried about my well drying up. I guess I don't need to worry about that right now, thank goodness.

Well, the summer is here and I'm ready for school to start. They have only been out a week, but already their days are full of fighting. Who am I talking about? My two sons, ages 14 and 12. We live in a small neighborhood in a rural area. They are the only two kids on the block. I guess I will go crazy before the end of summer. I have to go now, but I'll be back later.